Last unspoken words to my ex

      “Lack of maturity” doesn’t not equal “dumbness”, and “lack of cognitive empathy towards you” does not equal “lack of self awareness”.
      Just as I may have the wrong idea about who you were, since I feel I’ve mainly seen your “shell” and had the smallest peek on your insides (because you didn’t let me in any further for being so closed and protective over yourself and for thinking that maybe I would not be able to understand it, since I’m younger), you can have the wrong idea about who I am, because that’s how we shared ourselves with one another: shell against shell, (obeying the basics of human interactions) I was your mirror. Keep in mind that I am only talking about a specific kind of intimacy within the relationship, like sharing feelings, deep emotions,… I’m not questioning if they were there, I’m just talking about our willingness to share them with each other. I could always sense some selectivity on which stories we told each other and I know there was so much left untold. Then again, maybe you don’t agree, but that’s how I feel. I just know that you had so much more on your mind. You may be many things, but you are not dumb and (therefore) you are not numb.
      I thought I’d share a bit of myself. I’d like you to know, KNOW who you were with. Because you still are the person I trust completely, and it bothers me a little that we were so close and I never went very deep.
      I’m a very introspective person, I have the need to step outside of my skin and constantly judge/question the true intentions behind every wish/desire/behavior of mine. I’m not a very decisive/dominant person because I can see the positive and the negative of everything and I have a hard time weighting it down for a decision. I’m very logical (too much, most of the time), yet very impulsive and emotion-driven (like a child). I like to act childish on purpose because it makes me feel safer somehow, makes me feel more human when I question my true nature. My love for you was pure and raw, made less or no sense when I tried to rationalize it and gave me a very hard time when I tried to question it. It made me lose my footing and drop down hard, drop so low that I could feel again, somehow. This irrational part of me (which started winning) was so vast, so complex, and it scared me to death because I hardly understood it. It all had a high price because I felt insecure, because I no longer had control over my own behavior. I feared the very same thing that just happened - misjudging situations and ending up hurting myself. Feeling without reason, as a human, always has the same results, because it dumbs people down and blinds their sense of what is right… I used to joke around, saying I’m a psychopath... I may be for all I know, since raw emotions are so hard for me to process.
      I see the world in so many different ways, I shift them on purpose to test myself, to joke around with reality. But I fail to understand just how other people see it. I was never that good with empathy, since I usually have to go down some “levels” so that I can talk about life with the people that are around me, except my dad. He gets all these crazy ideas, but I never share as much with him as I’m sharing now with you. Some of my worst defects are my stubbornness, my confusing willingness to deceive myself, my detachment with others and my lack of concrete knowledge and answers about life, even though I’ve been practically living to seek them.
      This text is a bit pointless… With all this, I just tried to show you that I’m much more than what you knew, the same way that you are much more than what you led me to believe.

Auto-retrato

Uma coisa que fiz a Português...


Estável, mas instável,
alguém auto-consciente,
em dúvida se amável ou detestável,
em dúvida se original ou diferente.

Alma errante e indecisa,
que pouco tem em comum com a aparência,
em dúvida se dispersa ou concisa,
ou se merece morte ou clemência.

Espírito marcado,
não pelo distante passado,
mas pelos dias mais recentes.

Aprendeu a sentir,
e a saber sorrir,
de formas totalmente diferentes.

So Just Forget Me

As my tears fall, I realize I’m crying for stupid reasons… little things linked together at that very moment.
But I can’t help it, because the reasons behind making those things up in my mind are a lot stronger.
I cry to make sure I’m still alive, I cry so I can connect with myself that is trapped deep within this shell.
I am selfish and I’ve always been this way so don’t try to change it or point the obvious, you can’t shape me how you want anymore.. But that’s ok ‘cause I know that everyone is selfish deep inside, the only difference between me and them is that I admit it.
I wasn’t born to be like you, I was born for something else, that’s why I can’t see myself doing what you want me to do..
There’s no hope for me. I’m a lost cause and you’re just wasting your time with me.
But don’t judge me or even try to love me.. I don’t want your pity, I just wanted you to understand me .. but you never will, even if you tried…

…So Just Forget Me